Thank You God For Another Day!

I thought today was it!

Over the past couple of days I've noticed that Hailey's movements haven't been as frequent or as noticeable, but last night I really started to worry.

Every night before I fall asleep, I wait for Hailey's good night nudge, and last night I waited an unusually long time. When she finally gave me a faint sign, I was thrilled yet weary. It wasn't until this morning that I knew I needed to make sure she was okay. I started having these small pinching pains, and I couldn't be sure if I had even felt her move any all morning. I called Dr. Dodson's office and made an appointment for early this afternoon. The wait was nerve racking, and daylight savings time didn't help me any.

While I was getting ready it suddenly hit me, what if this is it? What if this was my last day to be with my daughter? So I cried and I prayed. I asked God for just one more day. I wasn't ready for it "to be time" yet. I was still gathering more strength for that day, and I wasn't ready.

Then I found myself in that room again. Laying on that table. Looking at that screen. This was where I had received that devastating blow exactly three weeks ago, and now I felt sure it was coming again! No, I wasn't ready.

That's when I saw her! She was beautiful! And there in the middle of my being was her fluttering heart, followed by the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I looked up at Dr. Dodson and told her "That's all I needed to hear." To say I was relieved is an understatement. Today wasn't the day that I would loose my child! Thank you God!

I think Hailey felt my anxiety and fear, because she has been rolling, poking, and probing me ever since. My hope has been restored!

However, I now know where I'm lacking. I have the strength to live each day without continuous worry or fear of what is to come, but I still need a tremendous amount of strength for when today becomes that day. The day when my world stops.

I also struggle with not knowing if I will get the opportunity to meet my daughter while she is still alive. I so badly want her to hear my voice and feel my touch. I also want to feel her heart beating. A heart as strong, as pure, as deep, is a miracle. And to feel it beating against my own would be the closest to heaven I can get on this earth.

But I'm going with God's plan. I don't know if that plan entails Hailey going home sooner or later, but it's His plan and that's all that matters. These are my wants, but what I need is to continue trusting in Him and His plan for Hailey.

So often we forget how precious life really is. It is something we have no control over. It can be gone in a blink of an eye. It is not something to dread or fear. It is a gift, given freely by God, for us to embrace and cherish and live every minute of, and every moment we have with our family.

Thank you God for this beautiful, rainy day!