Hailey's Day

I've tried countless times to write about this day, but after the first sentence I would drown in tears. It looks as though I've come a little further already. This time will be no different I'm afraid as the tears are pouring, but it's pressed on my heart to get it out. To finally put words in attempt to describe something indescribable.

I had referred to it so many times before as "that day", with animosity and trepidation. That day which I feared would be the end of me. A day that I expected to be filled with more pain than a mother could take...more pain than a human heart could bear...

Have you ever been so happy that you couldn't stop crying? Have you ever known a joy and love that could have only come from the place it was made? Well I have...and that is why I can't see right now...

But what I can see is my little girl's face...I can see her open her mouth when I touch her cheek...I can see every strand of hair on her head...I can see her perfect little fingers wrapped around mine...I can see....I can see it all so clear. I can see my angel, safe in the hands of God...and I can see, smell, feel, taste and touch the truth of life that He's shown me.

My tears run thick. They run in memory of the lifetime I spent with my daughter. That lifetime was spent on a single day - June 12, 2009 - in one room numbered 265. That is where we were...holding a life for a time of 42 minutes...

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When I reminisce on "Hailey's Day", as Ryan has declared it, the tears are released. They aren't released by pain and grief. They are released by the joy and love that consumed our hearts that day...

I can't explain what it's like to loose a child...I can't explain what it's like to have one either. Hailey's day is a memory of beauty and peace, of love and of life...the dragonfly's eye view of heaven.

Oh how I miss this day...I miss my beautiful baby girl

Hailey's Day was just over three months ago, but for me, her day is every day. I carry it with me always, and it will forever bring a smile to my lips and a tear to my cheek. I smile because my heart overflows with joy, and I cry because my heart still aches. But every day is Hailey's Day...a day of God's love, His promise, and His plan to give us hope and a future - and those things can only be found when you have faith in Him.

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I need to be honest. Hailey's Day ended much differently than it started. The sun rose to light, and the sun set to darkness. I never knew such pain, just as I had never known such joy. Hailey's Day was the best day of my life - but not the worst. To say it was also the worst day of my life would mean that it would be the one day I would want to go away...to forget and pretend it never happened. Never would I trade June 12, 2009 for a day without pain. This was the day I lived for...on this day I felt the warmth of an angel held in my arms...I captured a glimpse of heaven...and it was the day that brought me closer to God, and brought me to my daughter.

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There are no words to narrate the pain of the setting sun. That's not what Hailey's Day is about. Hailey's Day is about the rising sun and its light that shines brighter than any other star. And when the sun settles into it's place over the horizon, there is one other that eagerly awaits it's fulfillment of light.

Is the day over? No...Hailey's Day was just the beginning...