From Hailey, HOPE

Rachelle Glavin had just 42 minutes with her newborn daughter, but gained a lifetime legacy.


Jefferson City News Tribune
Monday, April 12, 2010

By (my friend) Angie Hutschreider


There is nothing like a mother's love.

A mother's love, like her dreams for her children, begin the moment she finds out she is pregnant. A mother's love will see her and her children through anything.

Rachelle Glavin grew up in a family that had a strong foundation of faith, and that foundation was laid by her parents, Perry Carey and Rita Carey Gerhardt and 'Gram' Ada Croy.

"My parents poured the foundation of my faith as a child, and my Gram, now 100 years old, continues to shed her amazing faith and wisdom on me," Rachelle said. "It also grew from watching my dad envision and obey God's calling to unite the children of God as one - that vision was the United As One Christian Festival which resides on the steps of Missouri's Capitol every summer."

Glavin, a Jefferson City native, and her husband, Tim, married five years ago, and one year later they had their first child, a son, Ryan.

"Honestly, we were a little scared at first by the prospect of becoming first-time parents, but after Ryan was born we knew of no greater joy. Then we found out that Hailey was on her way, and we were instantly overjoyed and excited to bring a new baby home to our family. Our hearts could never be prepared for what was in store for Hailey's life," Glavin said.

At the 20-week ultrasound, the Glavin's learned of their unexpected reality.

"Hailey was diagnosed with hologrosencephaly, which was identified by her physical abnormalities," Glavin said. "An amniocentesis was performed, which confirmed that Hailey also had full Trisomy 13. After both conditions were diagnosed, along with abnormalities of her heart and kidneys, Hailey's prognosis was inevitable - our daughter was going to die, and there was nothing, as her parents, we could do about it. That was the moment that changed our lives and literally brought us to our knees."

Given a 3 percent chance of surviving to term, Hailey faced great odds, but her parents' resolve was strong, they had a daughter and were going to honor her life and the time they had with their children.

"Throughout our journey we held on to the hope God gave us, and it was that hope that brought us to June 12, 2009, when Hailey was born full-term and lived in our arms for the greatest 42 minutes I'll ever know," Rachelle said.

Last spring, while still celebrating Hailey's life, the Glavin's began spreading awareness of Trisomy 13 and hope. Then they found further purpose in Hailey's life by working with the March of Dimes and Hailey's Hope.

"We were first introduced to the March of Dimes after sharing Hailey's story, and immediately we were on board to support their mission to reduce prematurity, birth defects and infant mortality. It's a mission we are grateful for as the parents of our healthy, happy 3-year-old son, Ryan, and it's a mission we embrace as the parents who are left to love and remember the life of our daughter, Hailey," she said. "We commemorated our team to Hailey's Hope, which is the blog we started to share our journey and Hailey's hope with the world."

The blog, (haileyshope.blogspot.com), the March of Dimes team, and Glavin's willingness to reach out to other mothers and families in their darkest hours, is all to honor her children.

"I believe this journey has opened our eyes to see and do things for which we had taken for granted. And along the way, Hailey taught us to rejoice in the blessings you have and give so that others may share in those blessings for the future. And we are so grateful for the generous love and support we received from our familiy, friends and community to be able to remember Hailey's precious life and secure the precious life of every baby," she said.

Glavin is also working to develop a Web site, Hailey's Hope Project, that will allow other families to reach out to one another, find resources and more.

"This journey is something that life doesn't prepare you for, and when you hear the words that speak to the fate of your child all hope can feel lost and obsolete, but it's not," she said. "Hope is there, living with a beating heart inside you, and she's there with you each morning and sees you through each night. But then one day when your hope parts from you, you find yourself lost once again until you realize that she's still there, now living within the beating heart inside you."

Even now, 10 months to the day after spending Hailey's 42 minutes together, the family is strong in their faith and in Hailey's legacy.

"This journey holds so many unanswered questions of 'why', 'what now' and 'what next' that I can't even begin to answer, but God knows," Glavin said.

"For me there came a point when needing the answers stopped being immportant, and what was important was His plan, and the only thing I needed was to put my love and faith in Him. How blessed we are that He has a plan for our children, and that our children are part of His plan for us."

Thinking of Hailey

I've wanted to write many times over the past several months, but every time I tried, I failed. The holidays proved to be harder than I had feared, and it was all I could take just to get through them. I doubt my friends, family, or even my husband were able to see my struggle, but that was my goal. I wanted to keep the holidays as merry as I could, but waking up Christmas morning with a smile on my face was not something I thought I could do - but I did it. Throughout the day I watched Ryan open his presents and play with his new toys with a smile on my face and a piercing ache in my heart. The picture of our family is beautiful, and I for one am truly grateful that we could be together, but that's just it...we weren't all there.

I miss Hailey every second of every day. But there are many, many times when I see our family together and I look for our beautiful baby girl. I don't know what to do when my heart wants her so badly. So sometimes I'm quiet; sometimes I just sit and watch a movie; sometimes I stay at work a little longer; and usually those are the steps that build up to the times I lay in Hailey's room and cry. I miss Hailey every second of every day, but it is when I finally look up that I find her. And when I find her I'm able to smile again. My heart is renewed for a time before the missing sets in again.

I want everyone who has lost a child to know that my thoughts and prayers go out to you. Over the holidays I prayed for all who were enduring the first or yet another season thinking of your child rather than holding them. And I pray that the new year will hold new found joy and comfort to ease each of our hearts.

In God's Hands,

Rachelle


*************

I am a very blessed mother in that both my children keep me busy - even Hailey. We are gearing up for the March of Dimes, March for Babies walk on April 25th, and this year the walk is dedicated in memory of Hailey! Needless to say, we are humbled for a walk to remember Hailey's Hope and the hope that each child brings to make this world a happier place to be.

Stay tuned for more exciting announcments...

A Lifetime Wish

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You

A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried

You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You

Author Unknown

My First Christmas In Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below.
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear.
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me.
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones.
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift,
more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

Author Unknown

A Half a Year

We Live. We Grieve. We Remember.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27


It's been a little over four months now since Hailey's Day, and I feel like I am where I was then. I still feel the same joy and pain.

I'd like to share a little secret that also happens to be a fear of mine, my fear is that people will forget Hailey. I'm afraid that as time continues to move forward, as it always does, Hailey's memory, her life will become less evident and less talked about, and that scares me. I know I will always remember Hailey because I am blessed to be her mother, and while I carry a part of her she too carries a part of me...the piece of my heart that she took home with her. But I'm still living four months ago because it was then that I spent my life with my daughter, it was then and only then...and now, well every one else is in the now living on and moving on. That is where a very common and very wrong misconception starts weaving itself into the minds of some people, who we run across from time to time, and who simply don't understand...grief, and more specifically a parent's grief over the loss of their child.

**********

As I write this, my purpose is to educate people of something they might not understand. I also write this from an 'us' perspective, and when I refer to 'us' I'm referring to parents who are dealing with the tragic death of their child. The pain is indescribable. You can't relate to it unless you have experienced it for yourself...and please don't try. There is nothing...nothing to convey what it feels like to lay your child down in a small, white polished box and look at her face for what you know will be the very last time - the last image you are left to live with.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." - Psalm 121:1-2

** Don't be afraid of us. Don't turn away and avoid us. If the situation makes you uncomfortable, imagine how uncomfortable it is in our shoes - to live a life without holding your child. It is okay to talk to us, hug us and show us you care. Here is one of the best things I've heard someone say to a mother hurting:

"I'm not going to try and tell you things I know nothing about...just that we all love you and you are in our thoughts and prayers."

** If you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Trust me, we understand. What is the right thing to say? I honestly don't have the answer, but sometimes not knowing what to say and speaking anyway might make you wish you hadn't. I remember a couple who came up to Tim and I during Hailey's visitation and they didn't say a word. They looked at us with deep, caring eyes, shook our hands and left. And let me tell you they said just what we needed to know by showing us they cared.

"A knowing look and a long hug is perfect 100% of the time." - Leah's mommy

** Say their name. It's okay! Their picture is constantly in our head, and their name is always at the tip of our tongue. Talking about our babies is what parents do, and it's no different for us. Saying their name keeps their memory alive and flourishing. Knowing that others have not forgotten the person we love most in this world gives us a sense of pride and joy that our children live on in the minds and hearts of others.

** We grieve the way we grieve. There is NO one right way to do it! Not every mother grieves the same, not every father grieves the same, and not every couple grieves the same. If we need to cry every night before bed, every birthday, holiday or every day in between for the next three years, then that's okay. If we want to be proactive and work, then that's okay too. The best thing anyone can do is respect and understand that everyone grieves differently.

You have to learn how to get through a loss - not skip over it or crawl under it.

** Don't pretend to know how you would grieve the loss of a child. My initial thought was that I would fall apart. Basically crawl under a rock and be done with it all. But the experience is so very different, on many levels, from anything you could possible think in your mind. We would never, ever wish for anyone to experience even a slice of the pain we feel, but unless you lived it you won't know how you will, in reality, 'deal' with it. So please don't expect people to grieve the way you would expect yourself to grieve - you just don't know.

** There is NO time limit to grieve. You will always remember your child, and you will always miss the joy and love you experienced when, for a little while, you carried them inside or held them in your arms. I'm sure it's true, and I'm hoping that it's true, that time helps dull the pain - but the scare is still there.

FYI...three days bereavement leave doesn't cover it - not by a long shot.

** Grandparents grieve too, and they grieve twice. I imagine they suffer an intense pain to lose a grandchild they very much love, and on top of that they experience the pain of watching their child suffer and endure the greatest pain you know they could ever experience - and there's nothing they can do about it. Just know that their hearts hurt too, and they need love and support just as we do.

** We want to be with our child. What parent would want to be anywhere else? And for us, we will be with them again one day, and what a happy day that will be, but don't assume that our longing to be with our child means we are on the edge to make that happen (unless you know someone who is displaying life threatening thoughts or behavior; in which case they may be calling out for help). I miss Hailey so much, and I would love nothing more than to see her and hold her again, but like I tell Ryan - it's not our turn to go to heaven yet, but when it is we will be with her again.

Earlier this week Ryan asked me if an airplane can take us to heaven to see Hailey. I told him that when it's time for us to go to heaven Jesus will come and get us.

** It doesn't matter how long your child lived - because the amount of time we have with our children doesn't add to or lessen the amount of pain that comes with loosing your child. This is probably the most skewed perception a person might have, but I think that I can speak for the majority of us when I say that it doesn't matter if our child lived ten years or 42 minutes. It doesn't matter if our child lived for 13 weeks with her mother (miscarriage). It doesn't matter if our child was born at peace (stillbirth). They matter to us because they are our children, no matter how long we were blessed to hold them on this earth! And our hearts break all the same. It breaks for what you lost in the past and what you lost for the future.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3


If you could get an inside look into our minds, and touch the pain that's in our hearts, maybe then would you come close to understanding what this road of healing is really like. If we had it our way, I guarantee you that things would be very different right now. Our hearts are broken and we need time to mend. We'll never be 100%, but we start finding things to make us smile again. That may take some time, we don't know how much exactly, but eventually we'll get there.

Thank you to the mommies of Ava, Sophie and Chloe for grieving with me and sharing the life lived in the moments we cherish with our daughters.

We live. We grieve. We remember!

I want to pass along the lyrics to a song called "When Joy and Sorrow Meet" by Avalon, which was shared by Jonathan's mommy:

There's a place of quite stillness
'tween the light and shadows reach
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet
There is a place where hope remains
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains
And tears that fall on Jesus' feet
Where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in time of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet
There's a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Hailey's Day

I've tried countless times to write about this day, but after the first sentence I would drown in tears. It looks as though I've come a little further already. This time will be no different I'm afraid as the tears are pouring, but it's pressed on my heart to get it out. To finally put words in attempt to describe something indescribable.

I had referred to it so many times before as "that day", with animosity and trepidation. That day which I feared would be the end of me. A day that I expected to be filled with more pain than a mother could take...more pain than a human heart could bear...

Have you ever been so happy that you couldn't stop crying? Have you ever known a joy and love that could have only come from the place it was made? Well I have...and that is why I can't see right now...

But what I can see is my little girl's face...I can see her open her mouth when I touch her cheek...I can see every strand of hair on her head...I can see her perfect little fingers wrapped around mine...I can see....I can see it all so clear. I can see my angel, safe in the hands of God...and I can see, smell, feel, taste and touch the truth of life that He's shown me.

My tears run thick. They run in memory of the lifetime I spent with my daughter. That lifetime was spent on a single day - June 12, 2009 - in one room numbered 265. That is where we were...holding a life for a time of 42 minutes...

**********

When I reminisce on "Hailey's Day", as Ryan has declared it, the tears are released. They aren't released by pain and grief. They are released by the joy and love that consumed our hearts that day...

I can't explain what it's like to loose a child...I can't explain what it's like to have one either. Hailey's day is a memory of beauty and peace, of love and of life...the dragonfly's eye view of heaven.

Oh how I miss this day...I miss my beautiful baby girl

Hailey's Day was just over three months ago, but for me, her day is every day. I carry it with me always, and it will forever bring a smile to my lips and a tear to my cheek. I smile because my heart overflows with joy, and I cry because my heart still aches. But every day is Hailey's Day...a day of God's love, His promise, and His plan to give us hope and a future - and those things can only be found when you have faith in Him.

**********

I need to be honest. Hailey's Day ended much differently than it started. The sun rose to light, and the sun set to darkness. I never knew such pain, just as I had never known such joy. Hailey's Day was the best day of my life - but not the worst. To say it was also the worst day of my life would mean that it would be the one day I would want to go away...to forget and pretend it never happened. Never would I trade June 12, 2009 for a day without pain. This was the day I lived for...on this day I felt the warmth of an angel held in my arms...I captured a glimpse of heaven...and it was the day that brought me closer to God, and brought me to my daughter.

**********

There are no words to narrate the pain of the setting sun. That's not what Hailey's Day is about. Hailey's Day is about the rising sun and its light that shines brighter than any other star. And when the sun settles into it's place over the horizon, there is one other that eagerly awaits it's fulfillment of light.

Is the day over? No...Hailey's Day was just the beginning...

Testament of Faith

I want to take a moment and introduce you to the man that is my dad. I have been fortunate enough to have been raised by someone who was such a great testament of faith. I have witnessed how God can take an ordinary man to do extraordinary things. It's hard to think of anything more extraordinary than to witness the power of God's children united as one body of Christ...the way God had intended...

Blessings to All,

On August 29, 2009, Missouri's state capital welcomed over 6,000 Christians to the United As One Christian Festival.

Eight years ago, a man named Perry Carey envisioned a choir clothed in robes of different colors coming together to sing and praise God. After many sleepless nights, Perry knew what it meant and what he had to do. It was a calling to unite the children of God, divided by denominational walls, to gather on common ground (the lawn of Missouri's state capital) for one purpose, for one day - to praise and worship our one and only God. His dream, his vision gave way to the United As One Christian Festival in Jefferson City, MO. After seven years, this festival has grown from 500 to 6,500 witnesses to the power of God's children UNITED - united as one body of Christ! That is something that can't be ignored!

"A Man with a Vision" is in memory of Perry Carey, our dad, who listened and obeyed to what God set on his heart to do. And he didn't stop until his dying breath...

The 2008 Christian Festival became the last that dad would see on this earth. On November 21, 2008 dad passed away peacefully while taking a nap. Dad suffered from kidney failure and his condition worsened from other health complications. During the dark days of battling with his illness and trials, he became even closer to God. He always said, "I can't quit on God; He's never quite on me." So he kept going and kept working at uniting the children of God in the community. He succeeded!

Dad had a different view of the Christian Festival this year, but this event wouldn't have been made possible without the dedicated volunteers that continued on to make this dream a reality. Thank You!

And for one day, over 6,000 Christians gathered on the capital lawn to stand United As One!

God Bless!
Rachelle Glavin & Zach Carey

Piece of Trivia: Missouri is one of only two states, Alaska being the other, that allows Christians to organize on capital grounds to exercise the greatest freedom of all.
~
For more information about the United As One Christian Festival visit http://www.unitedasone.info/

This year's Christian Festival was also featured in Sunday's paper of the News Tribune. "United as One Christian founder dies, but his event flourishes" http://www.newstribune.com/articles/2009/08/30/news_local/123local10united09.txt

"Divine inspiration led Perry Carey to organize Christian festival"
http://www.newstribune.com/articles/2008/08/25/news_local/128localnews02portrait.txt

A New Road

Over the past six months, I have cried harder and longer than ever before, but I've also experienced more joy, more love, more life than I ever knew existed. We've found ourselves traveling a new road, and though we don't know what lies ahead, we continue forward with our angel on one side and God on the other.

Stronger in FAITH... Comforted by HOPE ... Happy with LOVE


Thank you for continuing to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. Our hearts are healing and overflowing with the love and gratitude we hold for everyone. Thank you so much!

Love,
Hailey's Mommy

More of Hailey's story to come...

42 Minutes

It has been one month today. One month since Hailey was born, and one month since God called her home. One month has passed since we held an angel in our arms for 42 minutes.

As I write this, I write through a teary fog. I miss my baby girl so much. I miss the sweet smell of her skin and the soft touch of her hand. I miss kissing her chubby cheeks. I miss how complete we were when I held her in my arms. And I miss the memories we would have made yesterday, today and tomorrow. But for as long as I live, there will be no greater memory than the one we shared for 42 minutes...


Thursday, June 11

8:00 p.m. - Tim and I arrived at St. Mary's hospital and were welcomed by our labor and delivery nurse, Robyn.
9:00 p.m. - After we settled in, I was given a pill to help soften the cervix.
11:00 p.m. - The pill kicked me into labor and contractions were every 2-3 minutes.

Friday, June 12

4:15 a.m. - Offered an epidural, but decided to hold off a little longer.
4:20 a.m. - Called Robyn back in to get me the epidural. : )
4:55 a.m. - Dilated to a 6.
5:25 a.m. - Dilated to a 9 and called Dr. Dodson. We called our parents and our photographer, Amy Knollmeyer.
5:45 a.m. - Dr. Dodson arrived and we prepared to meet our baby girl. Hailey had been breached, but she had gotten herself in position and we could see her beautiful head of hair. Her heart was still beating.
6:03 a.m. - One little push and she was here!

42 Minutes...

Pure joy consumes me and true love draws me in to the most beautiful sight of heaven. She is beautiful. Every four pounds, six ounces, sixteen and three quarter inches of her is perfectly and indescribably beautiful. I'm captivated, and my eyes never once leave her presence.

Tim cuts the cord and so begins Hailey's journey to my arms.

There are no words to describe what it's like to hold my daughter for the first time. All I know is that we were meant to be...right here, right now. I feel as if all my life, I was meant to live for this moment. This moment to experience God's love and love for an angel.

The speech I had rehearsed escapes me and I am left without words. What I manage to say out loud only stutters what my heart feels as it is conquered by the precious gift I'm holding. My first words to her are, "Hello, baby girl. It's mommy." Followed by a series of, "I love you," "You are so beautiful," "Everything's going to be okay," and "Mommy and Daddy are here." Tim and I admire her from head to toe. I shower her with kisses and hold her tight. As I stroke the side of her cheek, she moves her head and opens her mouth slightly. She lets out a quiet attempt at a cry, and relaxes comfortably back in my embrace. This is the only movement she makes, but Tim and I are ecstatic.

We are so captivated by Hailey that we don't realize the minutes that are ticking by. Several times Dr. Dodson comes to listen to Hailey's heartbeat. Nineties, Fifties, Twenties. The last time she lifts the scope from Hailey's chest and says, "I don't hear a heartbeat anymore." A few tears blur my vision as I let everyone in the room know, "She's okay. She's more than okay now."

I kiss her once more and whisper, "Thank you."

God's Gift...Our Angel Baby

Our journey started with a gift from God...our angel baby. I made this memorial to honor Hailey's life, and to honor the life she gave to us. I hope you find the same faith, hope and love for life that Hailey has shown us.

No matter how short, every life has a purpose in this world...otherwise they would never have existed.

Grateful Hearts

I sincerely apologize for this post coming long overdue. It's been almost three weeks now since Hailey's birthday, or "Hailey's Day" as Ryan calls it, and while our hearts are still on the mend we've been trying to take things slow. We've been spending as much time with our family as we can, and I've just tried not to get so overwhelmed with everything on my 'to do' list. There's also so much I want to share with everyone from the moment Hailey was placed in our arms to how we are coping with moving forward, but I promise I will get to all that as soon as I can.

However, what I want to do now is say THANK YOU! And like I said, I apologize for falling off the reservation over the past few weeks and not saying those two words sooner. Those two words hold how grateful and humbled we are for the prayers, the kind words and the acts of kindness that have been sent our way. I really can't stress enough how grateful we are and how much it really means to us. Your caring for Hailey and our family has brought us through these rough waters and kept our hope alive.

Another day becomes possible as prayers continue to be answered and thoughts continue to be fulfilled.

THANK YOU!

Growing in comfort and love,

The Glavin Family

One Day at a Time

I've tried several times to write over the past week, but every time I tried my thoughts and words would get jumbled up and I just couldn't do it. And though it's still hard for me to find the words to suit my feelings I figured I'd give it another try.

It's been over a week now since Hailey's birthday, and a week since we commemorated her new life in heaven. I can't say that I know exactly where the time has gone since then, and to be honest I think I've spent a great deal of it exhausted and in a fog. During this time I've also struggled with what it is exactly that I'm supposed to be doing, because what I'm supposed to be doing right now I can't, and that really hurts. There are times when I'm doing the littlest things around the house that I'll stop and cry because it just doesn't feel right. And then I begin to think about all the other things I should be doing at that moment. I see myself feeding Hailey or changing her diaper, or simply holding her in my arms. I see myself doing all those things that a mother should be doing after just giving birth. I guess I just get lost sometimes, and I suppose that's a normal part of the grieving process as you adapt to change and adjust to a new way of living without holding the one thing you want most in this world.

I didn't know quite what to expect in this chapter of healing, and honestly I tried not to give it too much thought. But I've found it has definitely brought with it a few surprises courtesy of God's love and comfort. One of my fears has always been the emptiness that I was sure to feel the second I stepped foot outside that hospital without my baby. The emptiness of my arms that would resonate to my heart. But to my surprise that feeling didn't exist for me then and it still doesn't. My heart was so full of the life and love I had just shared with my little girl that made it impossible for me to fill empty. She is too much a part of me and who I am to feel like there's nothing there, like she's not there. And while my arms didn't hold Hailey anymore, they still held the other gifts in my life, my son and my husband. Blessings that I will never again take for granted. Please don't be mistaken, leaving that hospital was the second to the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I knew I still had Hailey with me. I had her with me in a new way now. A way that we're not use to having people in our lives because we're human and we need and want things that we can see and touch. I don't think we always realize how much we live our lives with our minds instead of our hearts. Now we are having to adjust to Hailey living in our hearts instead of by our mind's sight. It will take some time, but I believe once we do that, we'll find her presence is just as real, and even greater, than it was when I held her for those 42 minutes.

Something else that has surprised me is feeling like a family of four. Of course I knew that I would now have two amazing children, and I would tell people that if they asked, but everywhere we go I always see us as a family of four. It's difficult for me to explain what I mean by that but when Tim, Ryan and I are all together, Hailey is always there too. Even when I look at Tim and Ryan, I instantly feel Hailey, and that feeling is just as real to me as anything my eyes can see. We've embedded her so deeply in our hearts that she will always be with us wherever we go, and she is and always will be part of our family. In a way I think that right there might be some proof that we are learning how to live on with Hailey.

To describe loosing a child...Looking at your child's face for what you know will be the last time...I'm not even going to try because there's no words to describe it. You know it only if you've experienced it, but what I can tell you is that sting of pain you felt as you read those words is only the tip of the iceberg. So what do you say, what do you do after holding your child's life in your hands? It's different for everyone, but as I laid down on the night of June 12, I found I didn't know quite what to say to God. But on that night, and every night since, I have prayed the same simple prayer that holds every thought and every feeling; "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you." In that prayer I thank Him for Hailey, and for choosing me to be her mommy. I thank Him for the time I had with her, and that He is taking care of her now. I also thank Him for my family, and for all the blessings He continues to send my way. I also thank Him for dying on that cross for me, and preparing a place for my family to be together again without ever having to say 'good-bye'. And then I cry. I cry because I miss my little girl, and I cry because I can't believe how blessed I am. My tears are of joy and sorrow, never one without the other.

I've found the best guideline on this part of our journey is to walk with God and simply take it one day at a time.

Letter from Mommy

My Sweet Baby Girl,

For 42 minutes I held your life in my arms. And it was an experience that I have never, and will never in my life know again. There are no words to describe the strength of our time with one another. I was so captivated by your presence in my arms that all words escaped me. I simply didn't know what to say to someone so perfect. But what needed to be said was said, and what needed to be felt was felt. Everything was already there between us, as they have been from the beginning.

As I looked upon your beautiful face, I knew I was looking at the face of an angel...our angel. I was looking at the little girl that has changed my life forever, and you did so without ever having to say a single word. You have changed everything about me through the kicks and movements we shared, through the steady sound of your heartbeat, through the smell of your skin and the touch of your hand. You have taken me on a journey unlike any other. On a journey that shook me and woke me to a life unlived and a woman unknown. You've saved me with your strength and your courage, and by the unconditional hope you've given me. You've shown me what it means to appreciate life, and what it means to live life with unwavering faith, hope and love for God. And all this is because of you, my angel, of our unexpected gift from above.

Today my heart is complete yet broken, but that's because my heart has never loved like this before. And though the pain of losing a piece of my heart is great, the joy of knowing you and loving you is so much greater. Mommy is going to miss you so much, but my heart is comforted knowing that you are safe in God's hands, and that you are home.

We love you sweet girl, more than words can say or the heart can feel. We love you for all that you are and all the joy you've brought to our lives. And I can rest assured knowing that the plans God has for me will eventually bring me back to you.

Until that happy day, baby girl, hold on to that piece of mommy's heart that's yours so that you always remember the precious time we've shared, and how much you are a part of me and who I am.

I love you so much baby girl!

Love Always,

Mommy


This is the letter that was read at Hailey's memorial service yesterday. There is so much that I want to share, and I will, but this week may be a little slow. But I'll just say that yesterday was perfectly amazing in every way! Our family is doing pretty well, and we greatly appreciate the continued prayers as we embark on this next chapter of healing.

God Bless!

Announcement

Hailey Marie Glavin was born Friday, June 12, 2009 at St. Mary's Health Center in Jefferson City.

Hailey spent her life cradled in the arms of her loving parents. In 42 minutes, Hailey's life was complete as she peacefully went home, but not before leaving her footprint in this world and in the hearts of many.

Twenty weeks into life, Hailey was diagnosed with trisomy 13. Her condition was said to be "incompatible with life," but Hailey proved otherwise. Although her life only lasted moments, they are moments that others will live and experience for a lifetime.

Hailey's proud and blessed parents, Tim and Rachelle Glavin, and big brother, Ryan Glavin, survive at their home in Jefferson City, MO.

Her loving family also includes maternal grandparents, Nick and Rita Carey Gerhardt of Jefferson City, MO.; paternal grandparents, Ralph and Jean Glavin of Frankenstein, MO.; aunt, Jamie Glavin of Linn, MO.; uncles, Zach Carey and Toby and Laura Glavin, all of Jefferson city, MO.; cousin Lexi Glavin; and great-great grandmother, Ada Croy of Centertown, MO. Great-grandparents include: Jim Croy of California, MO., Pat McDow of Jefferson City, MO., Dorothy Mudd of Jefferson City, MO., and Catherine Kever of Loose Creek, MO.

Hailey is welcomed into heaven by uncle Benjamin Carey; maternal grandpa, Perry Carey; and great-grandparents, Andy Croy, Liz Croy, Garland Farrington, Francis Kever, and Wilma and Felix Glavin.

Visitation will be held on Monday, June 15, 2009, from 2-3 p.m. at Capital City Christian Church, 1512 Swifts Hwy., Jefferson City. Memorial services will follow at the church at 3 p.m. with Rev. Troy Easley and Rev. Gary Baker officiating. Interment will follow in California City Cemetery at California, MO.

Expressions of sympathy may be made to the March of Dimes.

Arrangements are under the direction of Houser-Millard Funeral Directors, 2613 West Main St., Jefferson City, MO.

Happy Birthday Hailey!

Hailey Marie Glavin

Born Friday, June 12 at 6:03 a.m.

Weight: 4 lbs. 6 oz.
Length: 16 3/4 in.

She had ten fingers, ten toes, and was perfect in every way! She embraced us for 42 miraculous minutes before going home.

Hailey's visitation and memorial service will be held on Monday, June 15 at Capital City Christian Church located at 1512 Swifts Hwy, Jefferson City, MO. This is an open invitation to rejoice in God's greatness, and celebrate Ms. Hailey's life. Visitation is from 2:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m. with the memorial service immediately following.

I will write more soon, but please, please know that your prayers were answered for our family! Thank you!

A Look Back on Our Journey

Journey of Hope

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This is our journey. Our journey is of the plans God has for us, and part of our plan was Hailey. Our precious little girl sent to prosper our hearts and give us hope and a future that has forever been changed for the better.

“Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. - Jeremiah 29:11-14

Now as we approach the day when we meet our angel baby for the first and last time, we call upon the Lord and pray for His comfort and love to embrace each one of us. To give our hearts the strength to focus on the joy of this special day, and to heal when the day is done. We know He is listening, and we have found Him. We reached out to Him with our whole heart, and He is right here with us with us every step of the way.

3 More Days

It's Monday night now, which means we only have three more days until Tim and I head to the hospital. It also means we're that much closer to meeting our little girl!

I truly believe that we've made a wise decision in planning for Hailey's birthday. We've found that we are better prepared now that we are focused on that day with a date intact. I'm also relieved that I don't have to worry anymore whether or not everyone will be able to make it for her special day. Dr. Dodson will be there when we go to the hospital and when we deliver. Our amazing photographer and friend, Amy Knollmeyer, has graciously cleared her schedule to capture every moment of Hailey's life. Our church and the funeral home know the game plan now. There was just so many things that I was worried about, things pregnant mommies don't expect to worry about when they're about to have a baby. I know I've had four months to adjust to all the planning and preparing, but sometimes it gets to me that I'm planning a birthday and funeral all at the same time, and it's stressful. But my worries are no more, thanks to the wonderful people who have made themselves readily available for us. Now I just get to concentrate on the amazing day that lies ahead. I especially think this time has been beneficial for Tim and Ryan. Over the past four months, I have had Hailey to remind me of what is and what is to come. But for them, they've only had my big belly to look at. Now I think they are both in the zone, and it's all coming together, as we look forward to meeting Hailey in just a few short days.

Of course Ryan is very excited to finally meet his baby sister. We've talked about it quite a bit over the weekend, and when I asked him questions he knew the answers. He knows that Hailey is going to live up in heaven with Jesus. We talked about her birthday party, and he knew what he was going to help with - which is everything. He's in charge of giving the presents to her, helping her open them, blowing out the candles, and eating the cake. He also wants to play his guitar for her which will keep us all entertained. I think he understands how special that time is going to be with her, but I know that there will be times when he questions why she's not with us. Tonight he asked me if she was going to sleep on the couch or in her bed. He was so serious that I just had to smile.

Thursday I plan on taking Ryan with me to pick out a little birthday cake and some balloons that he will bring to the hospital on Friday. That evening we are going out to eat with our family to have a pre-birthday party. I've been hooked on McDonald's and McAlister's this pregnancy, and since I've had more than enough McDonald's to last a lifetime I think we'll be eating at McAlister's...although...I could fit McDonald's in for lunch! But that will be a good time, and I'm looking forward to it. We also plan to take Ryan along with us so he can see the room where Hailey will be born. That way when he comes back on Friday he will be a little more comfortable with everything.

Well that's all the updates I have for now, but I want to thank everyone so much for the extra prayers this week. I believe it's giving us the strength to focus on the joy of Hailey's birthday!

Hailey...Coming Soon!

Over the past week I've been juggling this thought that our meeting with Hailey was coming soon. Yesterday that feeling was so strong that it couldn't be ignored. So I did a lot of thinking and praying. I've always thought that I would continue on through the pregnancy until Hailey let me know it was time. I would wait until I went into labor, or alternatively, until my inner being lay quietly at rest. However, that plan was challenged as this tugging on my heart and mind grew more intense. I questioned where this second opinion came from, but after much prayer I believe it was God nudging me to get ready, to be prepared.

So we've decided that next Friday we will take the first step towards meeting our daughter face-to-face. We will go in Thursday night and induce then on Friday morning. At that time she will also have defied the odds and the 3% chance that was given for her to survive to term. Her strength and love has endured! So during this next week of anticipation, we will be packing our bags and preparing our hearts to spend the most precious time of Hailey's life. And if Ms. Hailey decides to greet us sooner, then we will be ready.

I can't tell you how nervous I am, and maybe not for the reason you're thinking. I am nervous because I'm going to finally meet the person who has forever changed my life and who I am. I've never asked myself this before now, but who would you like to meet most in this world? Who do you look up to? Who inspires you? Who's made you think about the depth, the reality, the truth of life? For me, that person is not a world leader or missionary. It's not a famous activist or saint. It's not a celebrity or sports legend. It's this itty bitty gift inside me who enjoys keeping me up all night and sharing my energy all day. It's a little girl with a face that reflects pureness and beauty, and a heart that displays strength and courage. It's my angel baby! And soon I'll get to meet her and hold her in my arms. I'll be speaking my first words to her and spending her whole life with her. What an honor, what a joy that will be! *Side note: Of course the ultimate being I'd like to meet, and that I plan to meet face-to-face someday is and always will be my holy father. The One that created me, died for me, and blessed me with the most amazing gifts life has to offer.

So that's the headline: "Ms. Hailey Marie Glavin...Coming Soon!"

We will keep you posted on when our angel is delivered into our arms and into God's hands.

With all our hearts, we thank you for sharing your footsteps on this journey. We thank you for your love and support. Your prayers have made it possible for us to embrace another day.

In God I Trust,
Rachelle